top 10 most ridiculous things i secretly want but would be too ashamed to actually use.

in no particular order:

1. linea pro swarovski c2 hair iron

for the straight haired enthusiast and unfortunately jew-fro’d.

sure it won’t make your hair sparkle or turn to gold, but at a cool $850, its bound to make a nice trinket in your bathroom.

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2. micro pigs

doesn’t this just make you want to vomit all over yourself?

oh gawd its caayyuuuuute!

do not adjust your screen – this is the real deal. these suckers sell for upwards of $2200 and grow to be the size of a small dog.  apparently they’re low maintenance and can be trained to use a litter box, which is just fine by me – id rather poop’n’scoop than have to manhandle piggy shit anyday.

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3. chefstack automatic pancake machine

it takes all the work out of making breakfast, costs $3500, and provides you with “97% fat free pancakes [which] emerge from your ChefStack at a rate of up to 200 per hour!”

what more do you need?

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4. the snuggie
blanket with sleeves, backwards bathrobe, slanket…

call it what you will, this thing is probably the most coveted item of 2009.

…oh wait, there’s already four in my family. they’re ninja turtle.

i’m not ashamed.

5. the chanel segway

not only can you ride around in the most ridiculous looking vehicle ever – but you can do it in style.  this sucker clocks in at top speeds of a whopping 12mph. its price is available by inquiry only, but if the chanel bike costs $12,000, i don’t even want to know how much the segway costs.

hey – if you feel too much like paul blart: mall cop, at least there’s the free 2.55 handbag you can still tote around.

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6. relaxman relaxation capsule

$40,000 just to take a nap? gee, thanks ma!

the relaxman relaxation capsule is totally isolating and the heated water mattress inside, light & noise therapy, and “ion-enriched atmosphere” take you into a “deep state of relaxation”.

honestly, i think i’d rather spend $10, pop some gravol and lie in bed for two hours. that thing totally creeps me out.

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7. judith leiber crystla cupcake crystal miniaudiere

yes, its a purse.

yes, its a cupcake.

yes, its $4,300.

and yes, i want one.

yum!

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8. blob heater

who needs a boyfriend to cuddle with when you have a giant, heated, sperm-shaped blob of spandex?

yes, that’s right – a giant, heated, spandex-coated pillow. in the shape of a sperm.

i don’t know how much it costs, but it will certainly fulfill my fantasies of spooning with one of the creatures from alien.

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9. slanket siamese

as if the snuggie wasn’t enough, the folks over at slanket had to come out with this.

doesn’t it just scream romance?

sure i secretly want one, but would i ever actually use it?

…maybe.

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10. jakpak
for those of you who don’t know, i actually do love the great outdoors – i spent a good portion of my childhood and adolescent summertimes in algonquin park.

the jakpak is probably the only all-in-one jacket, sleeping bag and tent.

if i were going survivorman styles for a day, maybe, otherwise i’m not sure i could stand being zipped up in the smell of myself after several long days on the trail.

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